


A Rude Interruption

by LycanQueen



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Gen, References to that ‘Thalmor roomies Ancano and Ondolemar’ post on Tumblr.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 12:37:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14355666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LycanQueen/pseuds/LycanQueen
Summary: My response to SoftlyTea’s awesome story ‘Clickbait’.Sarashi was enjoying a peaceful evening. Was.





	A Rude Interruption

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Clickbait](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7113004) by [SoftlyTea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoftlyTea/pseuds/SoftlyTea). 



> The Ta’agra is from the Ta’agra project. Highly recommend if you’re writing a Khajiit.
> 
> This was inspired by Softlytea’s work. She is one of the Thalmor love overlords and is an inspiration of mine as far as Skyrim fanfics go. 
> 
> This is my tribute to the Lady Tea!
> 
> In reference to Ancano knowing about Ondolemar’s hair situation, I believe they were roomies during Thalmor academy and Ancano would tease him about it all the time. In retaliation Ondolemar continued to use up his conditioner even after he shaved his head.

A nice warm bath, Alto Wine and a fresh sweetroll, was there any better way to end an evening? This was how a certain Khajiit Dragonborn was ending her evening. Sarashi was sitting at one of the little tables in her Arch-Mage's quarters. She was wrapped up in a blue robe, her dark brown fur still slightly spiky from her bath and it smelled like neroli, ginger and cinnamon due to some oils she bought from one of the Khajiit caravans. Meeko was napping at her feet under the table and Vigilance was gnawing on a bone by the Arcane Enchanter. With a book in her lap and her still dripping dreads tied back in a ponytail, Sarashi was warmed by the Mage Lights and relaxed by the wine and silence of the room.

All was calm and peaceful.

Until a certain Thalmor advisor burst through her door with a loud bang. This startled Sarashi, causing her fur to fluff up due to her scare and for her to exclaim "Rajhin kodesh!" Vigilance didn't pay the elf much attention but Meeko was so startled he jostled the table, causing Sarashi to spill her wine. She saved the book but she ended up with a large red stain on her robe.

"Ancano!" Sarashi snapped, ears flat against her head as she grabbed some linen to clean up the mess. With her spiky fur she looked like an angry porcupine. "Do you have any idea what Urag would do to me if I got the wine on this book!?"

"I couldn't care less about that Orc!" Ancano snapped. He was positively seething. He threw down a bunch of paper onto Sarashi's now mostly clean table. "Have you seen this?!"

"The Black Horse Courier? I'm surprised that you of all people would read that tabloid trash." Sarashi said, dabbing at the wine on her robe.

"I'm talking about this!" Ancano said, jamming his finger to the title. 'Ten Things You Didn't Know About The Thalmor (Number Seven Will Shock You),'

The Khajiit rolled her eyes. "Oh it's one of those articles." She sighed as she dabbed up the wrest if the wine on the table. "They've done that for the Stormcloaks, Imperials and for just about every single race on Nirn, including the Falmer." Sarashi said. "Now, more importantly; I think I'm owed an apology for the wine."

"Read it." Ancano said.

"If you apologize for the wine." She was willing to let Ancano get away without saying 'please' so long as he apologized for the spill. Considering his mood she knew she wouldn't get both but she damn sure was at least getting one.

"I'm sorry for scaring you. Now read!" Ancano snapped. He stood with his arms crossed, waiting for her to pick up the article.

Sarashi sighed and rolled her eyes before she turned to the page with the article. She saw a rather skilled picture of Ondolemar glaring back at her. Not commenting on the picture Sarashi began to read out loud.

**"Ten Things You Didn't Know, etc."**

_"1. Clothes make the man, it is said, and I think we can safely extend that to Mer, too. No matter how much distrust you may harbour for our resident Talos-haters, I'm sure we can all agree that their outfits are indeed superior. It is said that the design was inspired by a passage in an ancient text referring to holy warriors clad in black and gold, who played an important role in the early days of Altmeri society. Whatever the history, we rather like them. And remember, Radiant Raiment in Solitude carries a range of Altmer-inspired designs for the discerning customer: Spring sale starts Fredas 18th."_

"Shall we schedual a visit to Solitude?" Sarashi asked with a smirk.

"No. I'll be reporting this to Elenwen, we don't need anyone disguising themselves as Thalmor officers." Ancano said darkly. "Keep going."

Sarashi rolled her eyes but continued.

_"2. Thalmor agents are exceptionally skilled in combat, especially the magical variety. However, given their longer lifespans, it is perhaps unsurprising. It is clear that Nords could be equally as superior, given a few more hundred years of life. (Increase your lifespan today! Genuine Scamp Skin Elixir, 1 bottle for 10 septims, 2 for 18, available every day in Riften's marketplace for guaranteed vigour and vitality!)"_

"'Equally as superior.'" Sarashi laughed. "I know they think the races of Mer and beast are evil, but what Men are doing to Cyrodilic is cruel." That normally would have gotten a small smirk of amusement out of Ancano but the Mer was still in a foul mood.

_"3. Tall, muscular, and torturously good-looking; if looks could kill, the Aldmeri Dominion would have no-one left to be superior to. We also wonder if what they say about tall men extends to Mer, too, but we'll leave that to your imagination."_

"I take it you don't find all of this article so displeasing?" He didn't say anything but Sarashi purred in amusement nonetheless.

_"4. In a recent survey, 87% of participants said that they would consider going for dinner with a Thalmor agent if they were less fond of torture and death (take note, lonely Justiciars!), while Ondolemar of Markarth (pictured) comes a respectable fifth in the rankings in this month's issue of 'Handsome Men of Skyrim' (buy from your general store, only 2 septims, or talk to your local courier about subscription options today! Quote 'SUPERIOR' for a 10% discount.)."_

"Who's numbers one through four?" Sarashi asked, failing to stifle her chuckled at the discount code word.

"I couldn't care less, keep reading!" Ancano snapped. Sarashi idly wondered why Ancano would come to her with this, of all people, as she continued to read.

_"5. The horrific reports from Northwatch Keep are enough to make even a Dunmer's blood run cold. Heartless, ruthless, sadistic and brutally efficient - but could there be a glimmer of 'humanity,' if you'll pardon the expression, under that murderous exterior? Tales from Ambassador Elenwen's occasional soirees seem to indicate so._

_'One of them actually smiled,' claims an anonymous onlooker, 'and it wasn't a sneer either.'"_

"This is getting sad." Sarashi muttered. Then she realized the answer to her earlier thought was equally sad.

_"6. You'd be forgiven for thinking that a busy schedule of inquisition and torment doesn't allow for much relaxation, but when not hunting heretics, we can assume that our pointy-eared guests enjoy much the same pursuits as we do. After all, they have a rich cultural background and some of the best (if rather verbose) literature comes from the Alinor publishing houses. We hear that some is rather - risqué, but you didn't hear that from us."_

As far as Sarashi knew, she was the only person who really even spoke to Ancano. In the back end of Skyrim, in one of the coldest areas of the province, she was Ancano's only source for social interaction. It was a very depressing thought but, she was the closest thing Ancano had to a friend within a hundred miles. It was kind of pathetic really.

_"7. Little is known of the Embassy's enigmatic interrogator. Perhaps this is for the best, as it is said that just one look at him could turn a black Khajiit white. Is it merely the knowledge of his professional expertise that causes such terror, or could he perhaps be hideously deformed? (We exhort our readers to stay safe, lest they unwillingly find out)."_

"I'm sure Rulindil appreciated that." Sarashi said with a snicker. Perhaps she'd inquire if the author of the article was somewhere in the Thalmor Embassy's dungeon during her next visit to Solitude or during Elenwen's next party. Being the Arch-Mage came with perks like being invited to those parties. Savos had always been invited but apparently he never went.

_"8. The idea of a romantic relationship with a Thalmor agent should be laughable to any self-respecting son or daughter of Skyrim. However, rumour has it that such liaisons are not out of the question. On a completely unrelated note, getting your name known amongst the rich and powerful may afford you an invitation to the next lavish reception at the Embassy. Also, many Altmer are partial to Colovian brandy, and giving a bottle as a gift is considered a typical gesture of goodwill."_

"Tell me when your birthday is and perhaps I will get you a bottle." Sarashi said. Ancano scowled and gestured for her to finish.

_"9. Most Thalmor agents are expert users of fire magic. There is only one who is known never to do so (pictured), and he is also the only one not to have any hair. If this is a coincidence, it's an amusing one. If it isn't, well, even more so. Don't worry, Commander. No-one's expecting you to be superior all the time."_

"Do you know if it's a coincidence or not?" Sarashi asked, purring in amusement.

"Yes, but finish the godsdamn article!" A discussion to be had at a later date.

_"10. Speak of the Daedra and they doth appear, and no-one quite knows just how far the Thalmor's intelligence network extends. Some reports suggest that undercover informants spend their evenings at the inns, hoping to sniff out Talos worship, while we all know that our familiar Justiciars are never off duty. So, do be careful what you say when discussing this article in your local inn, perhaps over a pint of Honningbrew's Spring Special: all-new recipe, all-new flavour, try it today!_

_Next week: 33 life-changing things you can do with a cabbage"_

Sarashi slowly put down the article. She'd found it both pathetic and amusing personally but it looked as though the advisor did not share her views. She could tell he was working himself up to explode. Ancano had always had quite the temper, even amongst other Thalmor members and if he was working himself up as much as he was Sarashi knew she needed to diffuse the situation before he shattered some of the potions she had by her alchemy station. But she also knew he needed to let out some steam.

"This is absolutely repulsive! How could any publishing house in any area controlled by the Aldmeri Dominion produce such nonsense! Who in their right mind-"

"Calm down." Sarashi said, raising her voice to be heard over the affronted Mer's shouting. "I'm sure that if she's deemed it necessary, Elenwen has had the author picked up by now and sent them to either Northwatch Keep of the Embassy's dungeons. If you're so curious you can ask your supposedly deformed interrogator. Besides, the article is a few months old. It takes a while for anything to get all the way up here in Winterhold. If it'll make you feel better we can go bandit hunting or tomb raiding tomorrow." Sarashi said calmly.

Ancano took a deep breath and crossed his arms again. He maintained his scowl before he finally sighed in aggravation. "Fine. I get fifty percent of the profits."

"You always do." Sarashi said, opening her book again as Ancano turned to leave. She felt her lips twitch into a smirk and found that she couldn't resist. "Are you relieved or upset that you weren't mentioned in the article?"

An intelligible growl was all the response she got as Ancano started marching faster towards the door. "Good night Ancano!" Sarashi called after him as he slammed the door again.


End file.
